My Story of The Last 365 Days.
I know that I owe NOBODY an explanation as to why I’m no longer waiting for a missionary, but I would rather state the truth than have rumors spread. So here’s the truth.
I’m no longer a missionary girlfriend.
For the past two months I have struggled to continue waiting. I began to feel completely exhausted, emotionally and mentally, at the thought that I still had more than a year left to go. Every day I had to convince myself that I could do it. I told myself that I HAD to finish the wait.
But when I really thought about it, and I mean REALLY thought about it, I wrestled with myself to discover who it was that I was finishing this wait for… Was it for myself, for Jeremy, or for all the people that doubted me?
I soon realized that I wasn’t waiting for myself and the love that Jeremy and I shared. I was waiting for everyone else and the doubts that they placed on me. I didn’t want to “fail” and I certainly didn’t want to let anyone down, especially not Jeremy.
But thinking like that opened my eyes to the fact that I was letting myself down. I was no longer TRULY happy. I knew that my Heavenly Father would want my happiness, and I know that He has better plans for me than I did for myself. I know that He would want me completely happy, instead of forcing myself to feel it or pretending that I was. I know that everything happens for a reason, or in the book of Ecclesiastes: “to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
During this last year there has been a “time to laugh”, “a time to love”, and many times, “a time to dance.”
I LOVED being a missionary girlfriend. One of the hardest but most rewarding years of my life. I loved being able to support, encourage and strengthen a man I loved. I loved being able to relate to and befriend other girls in the same position as me. I loved the feeling of reading letters, and “happy dancing” anytime I realized how much closer to his homecoming I had gotten.
But the more I thought about it and the more I prayed about it, I knew what it was that I had to do. I had to let Jeremy go. (and "you know the truth by the way it feels.")
At first I was stubborn and resistive. I told myself that I wouldn’t do it, and that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt him. I couldn’t lose him. I couldn’t stand the thought of him being “mad” at me. I couldn’t let a breakup affect his mission. I didn’t want people to judge me. I didn’t want to be considered a stereotypical Mormon “missionary girlfriend” that just couldn’t make that successful 3% waiting average.
I slowly began to accept that the list of reasons why I was hanging on so tightly, would never be enough. I began to accept that I had to let go, and once that realization hit, I knew the time was near. So I continued to pray and ask for something, anything that would help me realize WHEN it was time to let go.
I began spending endless hours with one young man, casually and ONLY as friends. Soon though our friendship developed and I realized that with time, so had my feelings.
I continued praying to know when was the right time, and soon my answer came. The Lord knew I was having a hard time letting go, and so He helped me through the form of this young man. (I know that people will be skeptical of this “answer”, but that’s okay, it was my answer NOT yours.)
Soo what happened? How did Jeremy and I end things?
We “ended” things on a good note. We will continue writing every week for the remaining year of his mission, as friends. Jeremy is an amazing man. He is very understanding, loving and in my eyes, Christ-like. He wants what is best for me, and for that I am grateful!
This was in no way easy. I have felt every emotion these past two months. Anger, heartache, confusion, a sense of loss, but in the end it was the sense of peace that came when I prayed that compelled me to make my decision. This is very bittersweet, but I’m blessed to know I won’t lose my best friend just because we broke up. I love Jeremy, I always will. But loving someone and being in love with someone are two very different things.
I know that waiting has changed my life. I grew closer to my Savior during the past 365 days. I’ve grown as a person: spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I’ve learned more about myself and the importance that I must place on my own well-being and happiness. And lastly, I’ve made so many amazing friends just by being a “missionary girlfriend.” I have no hard feelings about the time I “spent” waiting! I am GRATEFUL for this time.
I do not regret this year AT ALL!
I’m thankful for all of those who supported me this past year. Thank you to all of you who had faith in us. Thank you to the friends and family that were there when times got tough. Thank you to my MG’s for the love and constant support. A huge thanks to the Sistahood, I don’t know where I’d be without you four ladies! To my westies, you two are incredible! Thanks for the late nights, endless laughs and unconditional love.
Madalie, when I think about this wait and everyone that has been there with me… You’re the first to come to mind. You have been there for the good and the bad. You’ve helped me see the silver lining in every situation over this past year. You were there for me at 3AM when I couldn’t sleep and just needed to talk. You had date nights with me regularly, which basically consisted of Harry Potter and ice-cream, as well as FaceTime calls just because. You were always able to make me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. You have literally been my rock over the past year, and I don’t know how I could have done this without you… Thank you for EVERYTHING! I love you so much sista! 💞
And to all those girls that are currently waiting for a missionary, don’t be discouraged just because you hear of stories like mine. We ALL want to be apart of the 3% that makes it, but in reality only 3 out of 100 of you will actually do it. AND THAT IS OKAY! Remember that you don’t owe anybody anything, your heart is your own and you must do what is best for you! If you ever have doubts, I suggest prayer. If you ever feel discouraged, I suggest prayer. Follow the spirit and follow your heart. Remember who you are. Don’t lose yourself in the wait. Do things that make YOU happy. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. You don’t have to prove anyone right or wrong. Just be happy and live your life.
I have nothing left to say except:
"Look forward with hope rather than backward with despair."
-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf